Controlling and Coercive Relationships

In my practice as a counsellor I am often confronted by (usually) women who are in coercive and controlling relationships but who do not recognise that this is what their spouse/husband is doing to them. So many times I have heard that "he loves me" and "I can't leave him" even when he makes her feel scared, disrespected, belittled, undermined and worthless. It is saddening that so many (usually) women put up with this for the sake of their social standing or their children. Counselling may help by offering a safe space to discuss what has been too painful to acknowledge. A counsellor can offer support as the extent of the damage caused by such behaviour gradually becomes obvious to the person who may have endured it for years and who so often has just seen it as a quirk of their spouse/partner. Coercive controlling behaviours by a spouse/partner destroys a person's trust in their own thoughts, feelings and hopes for the future and in counselling I know there is a way to re-establish a sense of confidence in one's own thoughts, feelings and worth. This blog is for all those people who do not realise they are in controlling and coercive relationships. How would you know that your spouse's/partner's behaviour was out of the normal range of acceptable behaviour? Most people don't, since they make excuses for their loved one precisely because it starts gradually and because they do love the person who is behaving in this way. Ask yourself these questions and if the answers are yes then you may be in an abusive relationship. Does your partner/spouse often show verbal, physical or sexual dominance towards you? Does your partner/spouse often arouse fear? Does your partner/spouse often make you feel guilty? Does your partner/spouse also show or declare deep expressions of love? Does your partner/spouse often demand your loyalty and that you blame yourself for problems in the relationship? Does your partner/spouse exhibit extreme shows of jealousy? Do you feel isolated? Do you have to keep things secret? At the same time does your partner/spouse do things which instill hope that everything is ok between you? Counselling may help you to get your life back and to heal the wounds that controlling and coercive relationships cause. It is often the case that the abusive partner/spouse is extremely charismatic, a magnetic sort of personality, someone who can literally mesmerise people into being under their sway. They may have such allure that others outside the relationship tend to like them and this makes it all the more difficult to be sure that what the person does to you isn’t somehow your fault. There is a way out of this trap and counselling may be the way that you come to understand what is happening in your relationship and to find a way out of it and into a new life for yourself.